Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
