I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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