Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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