4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Ladies don't puke and tell
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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