Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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