please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
