I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
