You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
