party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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