Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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