I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So squirting runs in the family.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
