I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
