you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
