apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
