Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
