oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
