Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
