My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
