hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
