I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
