So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
