this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
A bitchslap is in order.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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