I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
