Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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