i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
