I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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