i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
