Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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