It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
