I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
