Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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