Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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