No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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