We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
