I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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