So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
