It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
