my phone needs a breathalizer
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
