I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I will be naked everywhere
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
