Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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