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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
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