he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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