i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
