I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
