Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
time to smoke my breakfast
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
