Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Randomize
