You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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