I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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