I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
