he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
