You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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